Building Trust: Getting to the good stuff takes work
I started watching Brene Brown’s “Anatomy of Trust” talk a few days ago and it got me thinking. Let me start with the fact that I am an incredibly guarded person. I don’t know if my mom was under video surveillance when she was pregnant with me or what, but trusting other people is not my forte. That being said, it has been something that I have worked hard at developing.
As the founder of a very small and young start-up, I am reminded daily that trust is essential to success —whether that be the success of an an idea, design, project, or relationship. As I have been building this start-up from scratch, I have been very hesitant to share anything about it with my family and many of my friends — a major problem when you’re trying to build a following around the work you’re doing. As part of the project, the team decided to do a few stories a month. These would be interviews with everyday people sharing how others helped them, random acts of kindness stories.
Who are the people you reach out to when your followers are still in the 2 digit numbers? Family and friends. So, knowing that we needed to get a critical mass of stories written and in the queue for the coming months, and that I was the one tasked to do this, I reached out to my family members. What I wasn’t expecting was that they would be willing and interested in helping.
I realized as I got response after response from people that were interested and eager to help, that the story I was telling myself was totally wrong. I had believed that they would not only be uninterested, but that they would be offended that I would ask them to be so personal with me and then let their story be written about and shared on social media. I assumed that they were as terrified of being seen as I was, but they weren’t. They were willing and genuinely happy to help. I would never have known this if I hadn’t asked.
This brings me back to “The Anatomy of Trust” talk. One of the ways that we build trust with others is by asking for help when we need it. This concept blew my mind. How could ASKING for help build trust? When I think of building trust, I think of grand gestures of solidarity, support, and loyalty, but the reality is that trust is built most by the little things that people do every day. The friend that emailed me asking for support when she was having a hard time, who remembered all of the names and faces of my family members (a feat I sometimes struggle with), that didn’t judge me when I said I was failing at something important to me. These are the things that build trust, not the proclaiming from the rooftops, chest-beating, Facebook-worthy moments.
That incredible, connecting, everything else disappears mind-blowing sex magazines talk so much about? It doesn’t happen in short-term relationships. It takes time, trust-building, commitment, healthy communication, and love. The kind of truth that won’t sell magazines, condoms, diamonds, or chocolates.
Trust is, I am learning, — like most things — something that is built over time with dedication, authenticity, and love. Maybe this is no surprise to you, but it was to me. I’ve enjoyed thinking that the significant things in life are marked by parades and awards and tons of press, that incredible sex is only a magazine article away, but the reality is far less glamorous: significant relationships, projects, and moments are the culmination of weeks, months and, often, years, of steady work. There’s no quick fix.
That disappoint you? It did for me too. It’s nice to think that we can get something incredible for very little work — like those old infomercials with the wiggling belt that was supposed to just melt your fat away — but, like the belt, those quick fixes are cheap, shallow and, more often than not, empty promises. Anyone promising a quick fix to the real, meaty stuff of life is really just selling something.
